You're Hired......Not!

I've worked in retail for a long time. No really-a looonnnggg time. Almost 10 years (crap! I really am old). And in those 10 years, I've seen a lot of 'interesting' people inquire about or apply for jobs.

Success rate for these 'interesting' individuals?


In hopes of helping out some of the 'interesting' ones out there (and entertaining the rest of you), I have prepared a list of Don'ts. Many of you may think these are basic, common sense things not to do. You're wrong. Obviously, they need to start teaching 'How-to-Get-a-Job 101' in high school.

1. When asking for an application*, don't wear your swimming suit. Or your pajamas. Or your sweaty work-out clothes. Or booty shorts and a belly-shirt (especially ones that were apparently half-eaten by the washing machine). A good rule of thumb is to overdress instead of underdress. You never know-someone might do an on-the-spot interview with you. And it's kind of distracting watching you try to pick a swimming-suit wedgie discreetly. And shoes? Were meant to be worn in public places.

2. Don't mention the fact that if you don't get a job by Thursday, your parole officer will send you back to jail. Not only did you just let me know that you were arrested ("not my fault that the bitch hit on my boyfriend and then ran into my inch-long fingernails with her face. Or that the police classify marijuana as an illegal substance. At least they didn't find the ecstasy pills!"), but you also just filled me in on the fact that you're not meeting the terms of 'good behavior.'

3. Don't criticize the clothing, food, employees, etc of the place you just got an application from until you leave the premises. I know a lot of people need jobs and will apply anywhere and everywhere. I also know that anyone under the age of 55 wouldn't wear the electric blue pant suit or the linen floral shirt with matching skirt, but if you did happen to magically get this job, you have to sell said items and be happy about it!

4. Lastly, if you somehow manage to get an interview, your response to 'tell me about a time you had a conflict with a co-worker and how you handled it' should not include the words 'party,' 'wasted,' 'bitch,' or 'assistant manager had to pull us apart but we talked it out when we were sober and are now really good friends." Keep it professional people**!

Bottom line: always assume you're being watched, judged, and tested. Because you are!

*Rule also applies to interviews. Even more so, to be exact. I don't care that all the employees and managers wear jeans and tshirts. It doesn't mean you should.

**Yes. These are all real examples. Sad, but true.